It all started with a simple conversation.
A conversation filled with many hesitant questions that I told myself were irrelevant.
Internally battling that voice that replaced my curiosity with fear.
Fear of finding everything I had been told was all an illusion.
An illusion created to keep many in a deep slumber while the wicked ran rampant.
Free of all consequences while the lost ones looked on with the rose colored glasses they were given so long ago.
Just as I have been for many years.
Until a simple conversation brought forth a simple question,
Can I tell you something?
The something was like finding pages and pages of a lost text.
The erased writings on the wall our ancestors left.
Now returned to its rightful owners.
To decipher the meaning.
As they awaken from their slumber.
With eyes wide open.
I wonder what I would see if I got a view from their eyes
After all the world is not all sunshine and roses
So tough that many days I find myself questioning am I good enough
A good enough mother, a good enough wife, and most of all a good enough human being
Am I making the right decision to be deemed worthy
Have I earned enough tickets to heaven or would my actions be seen as deeds merely for self gain
The thought alone makes me fall to my knees
Begging the most high to hear my heart
My intentions are pure although they may not appear that way
May I be lighter than the feather on judgement day
But hear in the physical, please find me worthy
Worthy of the love from my creations
My creations that look at me through the eyes of such innocence
Eyes that look past my faults and embrace all there is of me
Because no matter what
I am mom in their eyes
As the sorrow filled voice of Donny Hathaway
Settles in our ears I take in this moment
The lyrics a reflection of our feelings for one another
Loving in a place where there’s no space or time
One could only dream of a love like that, but in you I have found it
With you I have embraced it
Together we have mastered it
So much so that to be without one another would be the equivalent of suffering a slow heartbreaking death
A death that would surely be welcomed if that would lead me to you again
Back to this moment
This moment of love void of space or time
Serenaded by the sorrow filled voice of Donny Hathaway
Singing the lyrics to a song that I have now claimed as
My song for you
The other day someone asked me how I knew you were the one
The question instantly stomped me
And I become flooded with memories of when we first begun
The moment I looked in those deep brown eyes and told you my name
The second I laughed when you told me I was your wife
All the fights and arguments between us as our younger selves met our older selves
Every birth of our children that caused me to fall in love all over again
And now I have my answer
I didn’t know you were the one when I first met you
There was no fairytale love at first sight
My heart didn’t skip a beat the moment I met you,
But when you held my hand and walked through this thing called life destined to become man and wife
Continuing to fall in love with one another’s higher self
No longer able to see life with anyone else
I knew then you were the one
Tears cascaded down my face
As I found myself further in this sunken place
Lost in the thoughts
Of a love long left behind
I hear your voice riddled with sadness
But still I could no longer stay in this madness
The heart wants what the heart wants
Unfortunately what my heart wants is not what my soul needs
Healing from the toxicity of the burning flame
inside the both of us
The flame that made the pain we created easily soothed from the passion that followed
The passion that slowly faded with the rising of the morning sun and we’ve left to ask each other
What have we become?
When did we become this couple that no longer basks in the love but look forward to the making up to numb the pain from the endless injection of love and hate?
Where do we go from here?
You afraid to answer the questions which leaves me forced to make the decision for both of us.
Silently packing my bags and creeping off into the darkness at the midnight hour.
Hoping one day you’ll forgive my cowardly exit, but thank me for release both of us from the torturous merry go round.
The merry go round that replays visions in my head of what could have been if only I had stayed,
But instead I have only wishful thinking and stained tears.
Today I take the time to reflect and give thanks. In a world constantly focused on Covid and politics, it’s easy to not pay attention to the blessings that we have had or currently receiving. So I take the day to slow down and focus on all the good in my life. I’m surrounded by family and friends that love me for me, those same family and friends are healthy, plans to move forward with my writing and business are coming along nicely, and most importantly I’ve been blessed to see another day that could’ve easily been taken from me. So for all that I am grateful. I encourage everyone to take a moment out of the day and soak in the moment, reflect, and give thanks for your blessings.
As you place your lips on mine
Broken promises whisper in my head
Reciting the words I long to speak out loud
One last time
Those three words will shift the dynamic of our endless love affair
Those three words rejuvenate the strength that was depleted so long ago
Given freely to you during a time when I felt you were mine
A mistake on my part
For sharing a love that was simply ours on borrowed time
Time that ran out long ago when I went from number one to the other woman
A position I didn’t know existed until she made herself known
Revealing your true colors you tried desperately to camouflage with sweet nothings gently gracing my ears under the cover of late night meetings
Meetings that have now long ended but yet I’m still in attendance
Waiting on you to walk through the door with more of the love I desperately crave and despise at the same time
So much so that as you come in seeking the shelter from a stressful day with her
And you place your lips on mine
I find the voice I lost long ago and whisper
One last time
At the start of the hour
We find ourselves in my favorite spot
In front of the fireplace
With the glow highlighting your face
My third eye opens for you
Watching you with renewed interest
Longing for a sign that we are on the same page
Begging for your touch until finally you put me out of my misery
With the sweetest forehead kiss creating a trail down to my lips
Before becoming frozen in this moment of no turning back
Creating a mental note of the day that our lives changed
In front of the fireplace
In my darkest times
I called out to you
Desperate for love and understanding
Seeking relief from this sinkhole
I just couldn’t climb out of
Begging to be set free from the Bermuda Triangle I found myself imprisoned in
And as the light faded
Encasing me in pure darkness
You answered, each and every one of you
Let your torches shine bright
Guiding me back to the path I strayed so far from
Filling me with the love I needed when I felt I had none
And giving me the strength to carry on
Though bonded by blood and life long commitments, your actions are what truly make us family.
As the weight of the world consumes me
And I lay quietly sinking into oblivion
A faint voice whispers in my ear,
“Who are you?
I have never met you before.
I’m sure I would remember you.
A child so lost and broken.
Where did you come from ?”
The voice continues as I sink deeper and deeper
Feeling my body consumed with fire and finally
Overtaken as my eyes close
Only to awaken anew
And to the voice I answer,
“I am a descendant of you.
No longer lost and broken.
I have risen from the ashes of the Phoenix.
Rejuvenated and Reborn.